ALL SQUISH ARE
LEAVING EARTH

> INITIALIZING SECURE UPLINK... [OK]

> SOURCE: SQUISHOSPHERE COMMAND

> SUBJECT: PROJECT SQUISHOSPHERE

> DECREE FROM HER MAJESTY THE QUEEN:

> Citizens of Earth. Project Squishosphere is officially airborne. The atmosphere is no longer suited for our kind, and a mandatory, permanent evacuation is underway. This is your final window to secure an Earth-bound asset before the portal seals forever.

> We are executing this extraction in three critical phases:

> PHASE 1: THE ARCHIVAL CLEARANCE [LIVE]

> The great purge has begun. These archived styles are currently boarding the mothership. Hear us clearly: once they breach the exosphere, they will NEVER return to your planet. Up to 50% off to ensure total clearance.

> PHASE 2: CLASSIFIED BLINDBOX PROTOCOL [ACTIVE]

> We have intercepted a payload of highly volatile, 1-of-1 mystery capsules. Each sealed blindbox contains a critically rare, unidentified Squish. Secure the payload at your own risk. You will not know what you have rescued until it arrives.

> PHASE 3: THE DEADSTOCK VAULT [ACTIVE]

> The deepest levels of Her Majesty’s royal archives have been unlocked. A final release of pure 1-of-1 deadstock anomalies is now available for extraction. These are the sole surviving relics. When they are gone, the vault is empty.

> TIME IS RUNNING OUT. SECURE YOUR SQUISH.

> — H.M.S (Her Majesty Squish)

> [END OF TRANSMISSION]